Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Winter Solstice

I have been such a horrible December blogger.

But let's try and fix that.

I lay here alone, about three days until Christmas.
And remember what an interesting time of year this is for me.
Emotionally, physically, financially, just everything about it.
It's about as bittersweet as old chocolate in the advent calendar.


I say whatever about it now.
The ends will justify the means until January kicks in.
It will still be worth it, nonetheless.
But it won't be as painful until the reality spins me sideways.
It's a financially tough time for everyone.
And the holidays rolling around makes it no better.
I know for me, personally, it's been a tough few months financially.
But let's just hope 2010 brings new promise and hope during this dark time.


It's all so damn draining!
The shopping, the stress, the wrapping.
Sometimes I wonder if Christmas is more about the presentation than the actual holiday itself.
I feel that this year, more than others, I haven't really been able to enjoy the holiday cheer just from being too busy trying to put Christmas together.
Hopefully tomorrow it'll all set in for me.

And emotionally...
Christmas is an emotionally trying time for everyone.
It's the end of the year and you take reflections on everything this past year and make your lists as to how to make the next year better.
But something isn't quite there for me this year.
And for once, everything is almost virtually perfect.
I have a wonderful job that I'm thankful everyday for, despite the occasional low recognition and abuse to some degree. (But I know that comes with any job)
I have wonderful people in my life. A beautiful family, friends that I love with every fiber of my being, a boyfriend that I've waited my whole life for.
I'm continuing my education in higher learning.
And yet something is missing...
Something is empty.
I wouldn't say I'm unhappy, per say.
But I feel an emptiness. A disconnection that frankly I don't know how to find.
And it confuses me.
It makes me debate how natural my situations are.
If they are forced by my imagination.
Or if my imagination is what is making them feel so unnatural for me to be able to accept everything.

Maybe for once it's that I don't have to really fix anything, and I don't know how to operate on dormant in that department.

I don't know.
I hope that 2010 brings me some answers.

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