May 2010 bring the promise and hope that we all need.
Stick together.
We love you.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Christmas Cheer
A very Merry Christmas to you and yours.
May 2010 bring the promise and hope that we all need.
Stick together.
We love you.
May 2010 bring the promise and hope that we all need.
Stick together.
We love you.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Winter Solstice
I have been such a horrible December blogger.
But let's try and fix that.
I lay here alone, about three days until Christmas.
And remember what an interesting time of year this is for me.
Emotionally, physically, financially, just everything about it.
It's about as bittersweet as old chocolate in the advent calendar.
Finances...
I say whatever about it now.
The ends will justify the means until January kicks in.
It will still be worth it, nonetheless.
But it won't be as painful until the reality spins me sideways.
It's a financially tough time for everyone.
And the holidays rolling around makes it no better.
I know for me, personally, it's been a tough few months financially.
But let's just hope 2010 brings new promise and hope during this dark time.
Physically...
It's all so damn draining!
The shopping, the stress, the wrapping.
Sometimes I wonder if Christmas is more about the presentation than the actual holiday itself.
I feel that this year, more than others, I haven't really been able to enjoy the holiday cheer just from being too busy trying to put Christmas together.
Hopefully tomorrow it'll all set in for me.
And emotionally...
Christmas is an emotionally trying time for everyone.
It's the end of the year and you take reflections on everything this past year and make your lists as to how to make the next year better.
But something isn't quite there for me this year.
And for once, everything is almost virtually perfect.
I have a wonderful job that I'm thankful everyday for, despite the occasional low recognition and abuse to some degree. (But I know that comes with any job)
I have wonderful people in my life. A beautiful family, friends that I love with every fiber of my being, a boyfriend that I've waited my whole life for.
I'm continuing my education in higher learning.
And yet something is missing...
Something is empty.
I wouldn't say I'm unhappy, per say.
But I feel an emptiness. A disconnection that frankly I don't know how to find.
And it confuses me.
It makes me debate how natural my situations are.
If they are forced by my imagination.
Or if my imagination is what is making them feel so unnatural for me to be able to accept everything.
Maybe for once it's that I don't have to really fix anything, and I don't know how to operate on dormant in that department.
I don't know.
I hope that 2010 brings me some answers.
But let's try and fix that.
I lay here alone, about three days until Christmas.
And remember what an interesting time of year this is for me.
Emotionally, physically, financially, just everything about it.
It's about as bittersweet as old chocolate in the advent calendar.
Finances...
I say whatever about it now.
The ends will justify the means until January kicks in.
It will still be worth it, nonetheless.
But it won't be as painful until the reality spins me sideways.
It's a financially tough time for everyone.
And the holidays rolling around makes it no better.
I know for me, personally, it's been a tough few months financially.
But let's just hope 2010 brings new promise and hope during this dark time.
Physically...
It's all so damn draining!
The shopping, the stress, the wrapping.
Sometimes I wonder if Christmas is more about the presentation than the actual holiday itself.
I feel that this year, more than others, I haven't really been able to enjoy the holiday cheer just from being too busy trying to put Christmas together.
Hopefully tomorrow it'll all set in for me.
And emotionally...
Christmas is an emotionally trying time for everyone.
It's the end of the year and you take reflections on everything this past year and make your lists as to how to make the next year better.
But something isn't quite there for me this year.
And for once, everything is almost virtually perfect.
I have a wonderful job that I'm thankful everyday for, despite the occasional low recognition and abuse to some degree. (But I know that comes with any job)
I have wonderful people in my life. A beautiful family, friends that I love with every fiber of my being, a boyfriend that I've waited my whole life for.
I'm continuing my education in higher learning.
And yet something is missing...
Something is empty.
I wouldn't say I'm unhappy, per say.
But I feel an emptiness. A disconnection that frankly I don't know how to find.
And it confuses me.
It makes me debate how natural my situations are.
If they are forced by my imagination.
Or if my imagination is what is making them feel so unnatural for me to be able to accept everything.
Maybe for once it's that I don't have to really fix anything, and I don't know how to operate on dormant in that department.
I don't know.
I hope that 2010 brings me some answers.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Bittersweet November
Amidst the ebay fettish, the freshly colored rainbow totem pole on the white board (with the exception of the color yellow's absence), the anticipation to see Precious (Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire), and the bruises embelleshing my skin from the waist down due to a ridiculous slip down the stairs last night, it is yet another Monday afternoon inside of the cave. It has been a rather reflective, dramatic weekend involving carbonate dreams, hurtful words, and the movie "Coraline".
It was a grey weekend. One that I wish I stayed inside for. Or at least slept off. But I guess that's what tonight is for.
I don't even know what I feel like writing. I feel that there is so much to say, but I couldn't even start it. Let alone divulge further. It seems that November is the end and the beginning to so many things. The beginning of Holiday cheer, and bankruptcy at the same time. Thoughts reflective on the year and setting up goals for the one underneath the fresh fallen snow.
For me, I hope to be making more music than ever. Investing more of my empty brain space in cinema knowledge, lose 20 pounds, gain muscle, cast out the murky waters of my mind dirtied by others or things I've done myself. I hope to have done at least 12 shows by the end of 2012. Be in my new apartment. Work. Work. Work. And play. Live harder than I've lived this year with a clearer head and a brighter, finer tuned outlook on myself and self worth. I want to spend more time with my family, balance out my time easier. To share more. To take more. To sleep more. To be awake for as long as possible. Be the best of everything and not close out 2010 with the bittersweet taste in my mouth that 2009 has left me.
That's not to say I haven't learned anything.
Oh, no.
As always, we learn more and more every year. And I am no exception. Despite the screaming, the pity, the tears, and the successes, I believe I am that much stronger having gone through it all and being here to tell the tale.
In other news, on a much lighter meal, as much as we all wish we could hate her, Lady GaGa has done it again with another quirky, bizarre, and freakishly stylish video.
It was a grey weekend. One that I wish I stayed inside for. Or at least slept off. But I guess that's what tonight is for.
I don't even know what I feel like writing. I feel that there is so much to say, but I couldn't even start it. Let alone divulge further. It seems that November is the end and the beginning to so many things. The beginning of Holiday cheer, and bankruptcy at the same time. Thoughts reflective on the year and setting up goals for the one underneath the fresh fallen snow.
For me, I hope to be making more music than ever. Investing more of my empty brain space in cinema knowledge, lose 20 pounds, gain muscle, cast out the murky waters of my mind dirtied by others or things I've done myself. I hope to have done at least 12 shows by the end of 2012. Be in my new apartment. Work. Work. Work. And play. Live harder than I've lived this year with a clearer head and a brighter, finer tuned outlook on myself and self worth. I want to spend more time with my family, balance out my time easier. To share more. To take more. To sleep more. To be awake for as long as possible. Be the best of everything and not close out 2010 with the bittersweet taste in my mouth that 2009 has left me.
That's not to say I haven't learned anything.
Oh, no.
As always, we learn more and more every year. And I am no exception. Despite the screaming, the pity, the tears, and the successes, I believe I am that much stronger having gone through it all and being here to tell the tale.
In other news, on a much lighter meal, as much as we all wish we could hate her, Lady GaGa has done it again with another quirky, bizarre, and freakishly stylish video.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Thanksgiving Feedings
And its another Thanksgiving.
A time to be reflective on what we are thankful for having both within ourselves and around us.
I find myself, in my tye-dye sweatshirt, on my roommate's bed, at 3 AM, in a state of enigma.
Of how much.
I
am thankful for.
Yet, at the same time, I find myself empty.
When I should be so full.
Why do I always get like this?
"Is this what I really want?"
"Is this how I really feel?"
"Is this really right?"
"Am I really supposed to do this?"
I guess time would be the best answer to all four of these questions.
Yet in the pit of my stomach.
And in the apparent evidence of my faces.
And aspirations.
And dreams.
The answer is probably there.
...
So what's the issue at hand?
You're empty until I digest.
Maybe processes for me are slower than most.
...But what if I'm right?
Then again, I'm so often proven incorrect.
Just let me swallow.
And try to take this
one
day
at
a
time
and
not
waste
space
thinking.
A time to be reflective on what we are thankful for having both within ourselves and around us.
I find myself, in my tye-dye sweatshirt, on my roommate's bed, at 3 AM, in a state of enigma.
Of how much.
I
am thankful for.
Yet, at the same time, I find myself empty.
When I should be so full.
Why do I always get like this?
"Is this what I really want?"
"Is this how I really feel?"
"Is this really right?"
"Am I really supposed to do this?"
I guess time would be the best answer to all four of these questions.
Yet in the pit of my stomach.
And in the apparent evidence of my faces.
And aspirations.
And dreams.
The answer is probably there.
...
So what's the issue at hand?
You're empty until I digest.
Maybe processes for me are slower than most.
...But what if I'm right?
Then again, I'm so often proven incorrect.
Just let me swallow.
And try to take this
one
day
at
a
time
and
not
waste
space
thinking.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Hunger Pains
It hurts to be hungry.
When the acids burn in the empty atmosphere.
When you clinch and wince until your muscles break down.
So indecisive.
Oh, it hurts.
It hurts to want.
It hurts to wait.
It hurts to wish.
It hurts.
It hurts.
It hurts.
Like when you lost your teddy bear for the first time.
Nothing is worse than being hungry for something.
Except for not being satisfied with it.
Until the storm passes.
And its over.
Her eyes stared into yours.
So hollowed in their chestnut hue.
Aimlessly invested herself in those shallow pools.
For the favor to never be returned.
And all for one bite.
Just one taste.
Just to satisfy the pain.
Because now,
everything tastes like
ash.
And her soul growls for it.
For something to taste.
Like anything.
Like you.
The sweetest poison.
Illustrious in your shades of ivory and metallic black.
She starves.
While you're full.
And until she finds the strength
to find the sweeter tastes.
And she doesn't need you anymore.
She will starve.
Weening is never easy.
And comes in time.
Minutes. Hours. Days. Months. Years.
But when her time comes.
Then the hunger will be satisfied.
And all will be at peace.
When the acids burn in the empty atmosphere.
When you clinch and wince until your muscles break down.
So indecisive.
Oh, it hurts.
It hurts to want.
It hurts to wait.
It hurts to wish.
It hurts.
It hurts.
It hurts.
Like when you lost your teddy bear for the first time.
Nothing is worse than being hungry for something.
Except for not being satisfied with it.
Until the storm passes.
And its over.
Her eyes stared into yours.
So hollowed in their chestnut hue.
Aimlessly invested herself in those shallow pools.
For the favor to never be returned.
And all for one bite.
Just one taste.
Just to satisfy the pain.
Because now,
everything tastes like
ash.
And her soul growls for it.
For something to taste.
Like anything.
Like you.
The sweetest poison.
Illustrious in your shades of ivory and metallic black.
She starves.
While you're full.
And until she finds the strength
to find the sweeter tastes.
And she doesn't need you anymore.
She will starve.
Weening is never easy.
And comes in time.
Minutes. Hours. Days. Months. Years.
But when her time comes.
Then the hunger will be satisfied.
And all will be at peace.
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